


i'll hold onto you (so don't give up on me)

by dr1xy



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Gen, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 07:22:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr1xy/pseuds/dr1xy
Summary: kagami's trying. trying to heal, to be alright again.orkagami picks himself up with the help of his friends. because his friends are always there for him.





	i'll hold onto you (so don't give up on me)

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this story includes GRAPHIC descriptions of a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and self-esteem issues ect. if any of those elements trigger you, please stop reading.  
  
inspired by user ki-hori-e-te-ao on FFN & don't give up on me by andy grammer
> 
> just a heads up, but this fics gonna be slightly choppy? since i just wrote whatever that came to mind and all the stuff that i felt;;

kagami wakes up one day and he's 14. he's in another country attending a school with a name he can't even _read. _kagami's not sure of how he should feel. he had just gotten into a fight with tatsuya 3 months ago and now here he is, in japan, approximately 6,303 miles away from the place he used to call home.

he wasn't sure whether he should feel sad that he'd left everything behind in america or be happy that he could start anew. after all, america was the place where he'd found his happiness.

but america was also the place where he knew how it felt to **burn**. to **hurt**. to **lose**.

everthing in america made sense in a way it never did ever since he was 9 -_ lonely_ and _stuck_ with a father who had plunged himself into work after a failed marriage. then 10 came along and he met tatsuya and alex. 10 was when he had felt what it's like to have someone by your side, to not be lonely.

but then 12 came along and all of a sudden he's plagued by trauma and his skin is littered with ugly marks that painfully stood out on his tanned skin.

now he's stuck in japan again.

alone again. so, kagami sleeps. (he hopes he never wakes up)

* * *

kagami opens his eyes and he realizes that he can breathe. that he does not want to die. he owes it all to seirin. his first few weeks in seirin had been a blast.

it was a constant routine of class, lunch, practice, maji burger and sleep. everyday was a good day with his team and kuroko.

they made him feel _wanted_, they made him feel _valid, _they made him feel_ important, _like he wasn't a waste of space, a burden. happiness enveloped him and he felt free.

he thinks about how the last time he was this happy and carefree was 6 years ago. quite frankly, he never wants this to end. he wants to continue to be happy, to be free of his thoughts, to be okay. but of course, good things never last and, inter-high came.

the final-league is just right around the corner and kagami feels like he's burning. he can feel the adrenaline in his veins and his blood boils with excitement. his heart feels like it's gonna jump out anytime soon. he tells himself that he's going to do this, that he's going to beat aomine and stop his "the only one who can beat me is me" bullshit, he's going to bring back the teammate that kuroko had once knew. he's going to do this, he _can_ do this.

but there's always that doubt that lingers somewhere in his heart. he started thinking about the worst things that could happen. what if he's not good enough? what if he pulls down the whole team? everyone's relying on him, he's the ace. he can't fail, he mustn't fail. but what if he does? would they stop talking to him? _wouldtheyblamehimandbeathimupandstealhisthingslikehowthosepeoplebackinamericadidwhenhepurposelylostthematchwithhimuro?-_ he felt his chest tighten and everything starts closing in on him. he couldn't breathe.

voices started to fill his head

**_"you're_**_** useless**"_, 

** _"you're weak"_ **

** _"you won't win, you don't deserve to win"_**

** _"you let everyone down"_ **

** _"giveupgiveupgiveup-_ **

"kagami-kun!"

kagami snaps out of his trance and he feels multiple pairs of eyes on him. he feels his entire body trembling and his eyes are filled with tears. he had an attack in front of his entire team in the middle of training camp. great, just his luck.

"are you... feeling better now?" coach asked. the truthful answer was _i don't know. _but kagami nodded and forced himself to smile anyways. everyone else went back to sleep except for kuroko, it was as if he could tell that kagami was lying.

"kagami-kun, you're a great light, seirin is lucky to have you. i'm lucky to have met you, and we're going to beat aomine-kun together" kuroko says the exact things kagami wanted to hear, the exact things kagami **needed** to hear. _he doesn't deserve this._ "why do you always say such embarrassing things kuroko? i swear to god, how do you not get embarrassed for saying those things?" "but i'm only telling the truth kagami-kun"

both of them laughs and goes to sleep.

_fuck._ kagami thought.

he doesn't sleep that night. 

* * *

kagami sometimes thinks that the court will swallow him whole.

"kagami! don't just stand there! pass the ball!"

_huh? me? _kagami thought, followed by a, _fuck, where am i? what am i doing? _

there was a disconnect and all of a sudden, someone snatched something from him. a ball. a basketball. and then it all comes back to him. he's currently playing a match with touou, with aomine daiki. 

"kagami! get your head in the game!" "sorry sir!"

someone shouldered him gently and kagami found himself looking into cyan eyes. he could see a hint of concern in those large eyes. "kagami-kun, are you okay?" kagami would've loved to say no but- "yeah i'm fine, now let's go kick aomine's ass"

and, they lost.

later that night, he relapses.

they lost. of course they lost. and kagami can't help but think that it was all his fault. he was the ace, he was supposed to bring the team to victory. he was kuroko's light, he was supposed to defeat aomine. but yet he had failed to accomplish any of those things. _i'm a failure after all_, he thinks.

he takes out the same knife that's been with him ever since he was 12. the knife's always been with him. he hates it, but he loves it. hates how he can’t get rid of it no matter how hard he tries, but he loves how the knife can distract him from his thoughts for just those few minutes. ironic, isn’t it? 

and so he cuts. 

he does it because he's not good enough, strong enough and he just wasn't enough for anyone at all. sometimes, he screams. he screams and shouts with his mouth closed. screams while he feels his heart and mind burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn.

it was always the same feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment and emptiness swallowing him alive, chewing him up until he's nothing. and then he'd laugh. he'd laugh at everything, this world, this fate, this life. it's so funny, it's sad.

kagami looks down at his thighs, decorated with fresh red lines.

_pathetic._

his mind mocks him.

and he bitterly laughs, this time out loud.

* * *

things become tense with kuroko and seirin after that. maybe they've all realized how useless he truly is, maybe they've realized how it's a waste of time to always be with a loser like him and they're thinking of a plan to get rid of him. time and time again, kagami just wants to apologize to all of them for being such a screw up, for being the reason that they've lost to touou.

** _it hurts. _ **

months later, tatsuya and alex suddenly came back from america. both of them each questioned him about his - "bad habit", and in both conversations, he broke down. he'd apologize over and over and over again- but they'd just look at him with that same sad knowing look on their faces, telling him "it's okay" when it's clearly not. those two nights, kagami wished he was blind, or better yet, dead. 

even though he'd promised to stop, even though he told himself that self-harming wasn't the path to go, he still continues to reach out for that blade like his life depended on it. sometimes, kagami wonders. he wonders what he did to deserve this, to always feel like this, to be a mess. it hurts and it's unfair

and on top of that, he's tired. he's so so tired. to others, it may seemed like he got his shit together, but he's actually a complete mess and a big loser. his grades are failing despite his teammates' efforts to help, his basketball skills doesn’t even come close to the generation of miracle’s and yet he still promised to help kuroko beat them. he was a liar. 

and his grades. kagami just doesn’t get it, is he really that stupid? everyone in seirin studies together but yet he's always the one who gets the lowest grades. he’s the only one that fails. it's not that he's jealous or anything, he's already given up on saving his grades, he's only trying for his teammates' sake. but it'd be nice if he knew that his efforts to study actually paid off.

it'd be nice to know that he wasn't actually that stupid. he's trying his best, but he's so damn tired of trying.

he wants a break. he's tired. 

_so tired._

* * *

after winter cup, he had gotten closer to kuroko and the generation of miracles. they'd hang out at least once a week since basketball practices at their respective schools all stopped for a while after winter cup and murasakibara and akashi didn't seem to mind coming all the way to tokyo to hang out either. 

the truth is, kagami has never really known friendship.

after all, he was alone for almost the whole of his life till he met tatsuya and alex. he never knew how friendships were supposed to work.

from what he's seen and been through in his life, he'd come to the conclusion that all friendships would eventually fade out and dissolve, those people whom you'd tried so hard to hold close to, they would all leave eventually.

he assumed that friendships were like contracts, by getting something from the other party, it's obligatory for you to give something back. but apparently, that wasn't how friendships were supposed to work. but, now he knows, and he feels, loved. 

yet kagami always wondered when that "love" and that friendship he has with them burns out, when they would no longer find him interesting enough to keep him in their group. after all, he was the "extra” one in their little group.

he'll never get the inside jokes, the moments where they would all reminisce about their years in teikou and laugh. whenever they do that, kagami always feels out of place. he feels like he shouldn’t be there, like he’s interrupting something important. he wasn’t important in the group. he was just a random guy that suddenly popped up from no where and somehow managed to defeat everyone in the group and became best-friends with their precious sixth-man.

people claim that he’s the “seventh” of the group. that he was the miracle that didn’t take the same path as the miracle. but no matter how much they phrased it to make it seem like he was one of them. he knew that he wasn’t and they all make it so painfully obvious sometimes. 

kagami always felt like he didn't belong there.

kagami didn't feel like he belonged anywhere anymore.

after the weekly meeting they had, he doesn't go home.

* * *

suicide. he's lost count of how many times he's fancied the idea. he's imagined himself jumping in front of a car or off a building multiple times, but he never actually did it.

a lot of times, he's wondered if things would be better if he was gone, if the earth would be lighter if he brought his heavy luggage with him to die, if people would be happier if he disappeared. 

now, sitting in the middle of the living room while the deafening silence rings in his ears, now, he _really_ wants to do it, he doesn't see a reason to _not_ do it. he thinks about it and realizes that there's nothing left to stop him anymore. there waeren't anymore matches now that winter cup is over, his friends wouldn't possibly miss him, even if they would, they'll eventually get over it, right? he's so easily replaced after all, they can just find someone else.

maybe he could send one last text to everyone before he died. that's the last thing he can do for them. 

_"sorry. you'll probably never see me again. thank you for taking care of me. it was a pleasure knowing all of you"_

he sends it out to everyone in seirin and the generation of miracles.

then he gets a thick rope and a stool.

he slowly steps on the stool and ties the rope to the ceiling fan. the noose drops in front of him and he slowly puts it over his head. 

he takes one step front and **falls.**

the rope tightens beautifully and painfully around his neck. it was tight just the way he liked it. black spots filled his vision and it hurts, it hurts so bad but it makes him so happy thinking about the fact that he was gonna die soon, that all of this is gonna end. his life, his pathetic life, finally drawing a full-stop. the world begins to dim and he smiles, he smiled like he's never smiled in his life before.

the last thing he sees and hears before everything turned to black was a bunch of rainbow hair and a loud "kagami!"

* * *

when he woke up in the hospital 3 days later, he didn't know how to feel. he was stuck in between feeling ashamed and angry. ashamed to hear from the doctors that his 

friends - the people whom loved him the most - found him. angry that they had saved him. he was still trying to comprehend the situation when all of a sudden the hospital room door slammed open. it was the entire generation of miracles along with kuroko.

_he's fucked_.

"so" kagami started.

"_so? _are you shitting me right now? you sent a suicide message to all of us and you attempted to take your own life and all you're able to fucking say is_ so?_" aomine started shouting "and also, what the fuck is that on your goddamn arms? w-why do you do this to yourself? you idiot" aomine's voice breaks, something kagami didn't expect. "aomine-kun, i know you're upset. we all are. but what kagami-kun needs right now isn't some ganguro shouting in the hospital room" "but i-" "tetsuya is right, daiki, you shall refrain from shouting, we're in a hospital, you can shout at taiga later.

"kagami" midorima started. kagami noticed that he has heavy eye bags and red eyes. in fact, all of them has. "wh-y? kagamicchi w-why?" kise continued, voice cracking while he does.

kagami wants to apologize, he wants to apologize for being a screw up and just for being useless waste. he wants to be able to tell them why h's doing this, but to be honest, he's afraid. he's afraid to open up. he's afraid to be judged. and also- he doesn't know why.

"ah, well, i guess i'm- i'm suicidal or s-something like that" kagami replied while rubbing the back of his neck. "kagami-kun, why didn't you come talk to us? we're here for you" "ah- that, i guess it's because i don't want to bother anyone or something like that." 

they don't talk about how he smiled when he was going to die, kagami's grateful.

the situation turned awkward. after 2 minutes of uncomfortable silence, kise spoke up, "kagamicchi, we're your friends. we'll never find you a bother." 

_i beg to differ_. kagami thought as he felt fresh tears sprung in his eyes. it was only then when the situation fully dawned upon him. he attempted suicide and he didn't die and his friends had been the ones to save him. and now they feel entitled to "save" him from this shit-hole that he was in.

he feels like crying even more now. he ruined everything again, he burdened everyone again. he couldn't even kill himself, what the fuck. he had one job, and he ruined it.

kagami bites his lips as more tears threatened to escape.

"you must be asking yourself why you haven't died yet. i'm not sure if the doctors told you, but we found you. taiga, and as long as we're here, we won't allow that to happen again. i know you're going through a rough time at the moment but i need you to know that there are always people there for you. we're gonna help you get through this, whether you like it or not. we're gonna get the cheerful kagami taiga that we once knew back. and we're not gonna stop until we do. and we're doing this, because we're your friends taiga. and friends are always there for each other. don't forget that"

kagami cries even harder

* * *

after that, the kagami started living together with the generation of miracles. and they fight. a lot. sometimes it’s serious and sometimes it’s not. 

sometimes kagami's skin itches. it itches so bad that he couldn't stop scratching. so he did the only reasonable thing anyone would do in that situation, he stood under hot scalding water while he scratched his skin.

kagami has to admit, it actually felt good. it feels like he's there, right there, in the toilet, alive, breathing, **_there_**. he scratched till his skin turned blood red, till he couldn't feel anything but pain and the hot steam that stings his irritated skin

_it hurts. _

when kagami showed up with aloe vera, an extremely red back and sensitive arms in front of midorima, you could say midorima was _extremely_ displeased.

midorima had called the rest of the miracles to come have a look at what kagami had done. they were either angry, or disappointed**_<strike>(worried)</strike>_**. with kagami.

"what in the name of fuck are you doing to yourself kagami taiga" "it was itchy" "so you telling me you decided to stand under boiling water and scratch yourself till you almost bleed because your skin was _itchy_? don't fuck with me, why are you doing this to yourself you shithead?"

"i-" kagami bit his lips as tears threatened to fall, _again_.

"kagamicchi what exactly are we going to do with you?" "kaga-chin so stupid"

"i didn't ask for this okay? i didn't ask to feel like this, i'm sorry i disappointed all of you alright? are you satsfied?" kagami broke, tears flew freely down his face. "kagami," midorima started. "you don't disappoint any of us, we just-" "maybe i shouldn't have stayed alive after all"

_slap_

it was akashi. "kagami. don't you _dare_. to ever say something like that _again_."

kagami stayed quiet for a while, he held his cheeks, breathed in and out and- "then what? what exactly do you guys want from me?" he spoke softly.

"what do we want from you? kagami-kun we want you to be happy again. we want you to feel worthy of yourself again. we want you to feel like maybe life is worth living again. we want you to feel like everything is alright again. i understand that these are all unbelievably selfish requests and that all of these seems impossible to achieve but we’ll all be here to help you. we’re all here to stay.”

"so kaga-chin, please don't ever hurt yourself again. you're not allowed to" murasakibara said lazily while he wrapped his arms around kagami from his back.

that night, kagami allowed himself to cry in the arms of his purple friend.

* * *

the next day, he finds a folded star on his bedside table. 

it was a note. and it read:

_to our dearest kagami:_

_kagami, you work so hard. you work so hard to win and you deserve every victory you’ve achieved. _

_why don't you ever try to praise and love yourself a little more? you think about many things and you give so much love and sincerity to everyone, but yet, you’ve never stopped to think about the good things that you’ve done, the things you’ve achieved. you’ve never stopped to praise yourself for all those victories you’ve had. you’ve never tried to appreciate yourself a little more. you fail to realize all the good you’ve done since you’re always clouded by the bad — the things that don’t matter, since we’re all humans and we’re all imperfect and we all have flaws. because of our flaws, we make mistakes. and those mistakes are alright because eventually we’ll learn from those mistakes and we’ll grow._

_kagami, _ _we know you’re struggling and we know it hurts and we wish you could just tell us what you're feeling. we care. please kagami, talk to us. _ _we're here for you._

_we miss playing basketball with you. _

_sincerely,_

_akashi seijuurou, kise ryouta, aomine daiki, murasakibara atsushi and midorima shintarou._

tears filled his eyes and that was when he had noticed another star. a star painted with cyan and red.

it was another note. 

_to my light,__ kagami-kun,_ it read,

_kagami-kun, i wish you could see yourself from my eyes. you're beyond amazing. you're like a star and you shine so bright it hurts my eyes._

_i hate this, i hate feeling like this. feeling like i may never get kagami-kun back again. i feel so useless and helpless. i cant do anything but stand at the side and watch kagami-kun fight his own battles alone._

_i know kagami-kun is going through a rough time right now, and i know that you're in pain. but i'll be there for you, the generation of miracles will be there for you. we’re all friends, aren’t we?_

_please, don't give up me, on us, on yourself. _

_kagami-kun is brave, kagami-kun is strong and i know that kagami-kun will stand up again. kagami-kun always does._

_please come back soon._

_your shadow, kuroko tetsuya._

kagami lets out a chuckle, "it's just like him. so cheesy and embarrassing"

kagami lays on his bed and cries.

* * *

that night, kagami writes a letter for himself together with the miracles and kuroko.

it reads:

_i'll get through this, together with my friends._

_i'll heal and become better._

_the road of recovery is long, but i know i can do it._

_i'll believe in myself and throw away my self-hatred and doubt._

the letter's short, cheesy, horrible. but it has everything that kagami wants to do and to be. the letter was written with laughter, tears, and all those other emotions that kagami had locked away deep in his heart. 

for the first time in a long time, kagami feels like he's going to be alright.

* * *

kagami wakes up one day and he's 19. he's in another country and attending a school he's proud to be a part of_. _kagami has best friends. 8 of them to be exact, all of them with different hair colours and different personalities. throughout the past 3 years, kagami learns that it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to have bad days, it's okay to not completely be alright - as long as he knew how to pick himself back up. and he doesn't need to pick himself back up right away, he can take hours, days, years. as long as he wants. 

kagami learns that he's not alone, he's never alone and that he never needs to fight alone. he learns that it's alright to lose because he'll always gain. he learns that his marks aren't ugly - but a proof of how far he's come. 

everthing in japan made sense in a way it never did ever since he was 9 - _l__onely_ and _stuck_ with a father who had plunged himself into work after a failed marriage.

when 16 came along, kagami knew what it was like to fall, to hurt, to cry. but it was also when he started to realize that he could heal.

when 17 came along, kagami knew what it was like to have friends that are always there for him. to have people treating him like he was something important. he learnt what it felt to not have to fight alone, to have someone to lean on, to _be_ that someone whom people can lean on.

when 18 came along, kagami knew what it was like to step out of his comfort zone to reach for new heights, (with his friends around him of course). he knew how it felt to finally be able to come to terms with making a mistake. he learnt that making mistakes were human and okay. he learnt how it was like to be strong (what he doesn't realize is that he was already strong from the start).

when 19 came along, kagami could say that he was okay .even though he's still going to have days where he slips back into that dark hole and float, even though he's still going to have days where he's going to feel like giving it all up, even though he's still going to have days where he feels like nothing is right anymore, he knows it's okay because he can always pull himself back up again. if the strength of 1 isn't enough, he can always call for backup.

his name is kagami taiga, 19 years old. 

and for the first time in years, he finally feels alright.

**Author's Note:**

> for anyone thinking or contemplating suicide, please consider talking to someone or dialling your local suicide hotline.  
you are worth it. you are amazing. you are needed.  
please. stay.


End file.
